if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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