Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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