How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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