hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
