i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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