So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
