I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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