i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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