I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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