Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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