Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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