even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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