Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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