I think I died a long time ago.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
