I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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