This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
