you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
