Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
