I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
