We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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