and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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