watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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