god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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