I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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