I only kidnapped one of them. chill
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
