and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
