I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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