ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
