I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
