Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
