We won't sleep together?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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