i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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