I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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