I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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