Don't you send me to vm
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
