He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
