I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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