I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
