I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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