I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
