I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
