So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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