You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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