I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
