walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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