My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
