Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
