wanna go halves on a baby?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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