Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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