Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
