i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
