i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
