I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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