It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
