OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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