There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
