Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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