Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
