so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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