My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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