Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
