she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
